NEW RELEASE & REVIEW: Fire Down Below by Debra Anastasia

#‎FireDownBelow‬  

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Dove Glitch is embarrassed about everything above her knees and below her belly button. When she has to fill a delicate, embarrassing prescription the last thing she needs is a sexy-as-hell (and brand spanking new) pharmacist behind the counter.

Johnson Fitzwell’s first day of his dream career also happens to coincide with the exact moment Dove needs her feminine meds filled. His glorious voice is way too loud–as in, he should be counting down the hits with Ryan Seacrest kind of loud. Thanks to Johnson’s handsome face and gorgeous jaw line, Dove dives headlong into her waking nightmare and asks for a vagina-scented cream.

How could she not fall for him? Dove's only active goal now is to get Johnson to kiss her right on the lips. Either set. However, his horrible girlfriend is one of many obstacles preventing her from making that fantasy a reality. When Dove defends Johnson in the most unhygienic, unconventionally gross way in the middle of a crowded restaurant, their tender, slightly tantric relationship is off to a galloping, farting start.

Each print copy of this book will be dipped in holy water by my mom, and glared at by my father as he purses his lips. Neither will help. So, drop your pants and turn to the left and cough. I hope you're not allergic to latex, because it’s time to fill your prescription. Anally.

~MY REVIEW~

The editor in me cringed.

The reader in me felt as if I were being SCOLDED half the time because of the blatant overuse of CAPS LOCK.

The sick, twisted masochist in me … couldn’t. Look. Away.

This book is wrong on so many levels, which is why I think it must be so right. I can’t, in good conscience, give it five stars because this is so far from a literary masterpiece, that it is funny. All I can really say is that when you open the pages of Fire Down Below, be prepared for anything and everything … even love. Somehow Anastasia has taken a set of off the wall characters and produced a story that resonates with the thirteen year old boy in all of us. From awkward digestional issues to straight up womanly woes, it’s all covered. 

Well-written, fast-paced, and at times nausea-inducing, this story will have you laughing your literal ass off and questioning, “Did I really just read that?!” But in the best sort of way, because, let's face it, sometimes we all need to just let our inner child roam free and have a good laugh.

* I was given an ARC by the author in exchange for an honest review.**

Oh God. We’re talking about me being naked, in the shower with cooter cream. Please world, end. Kill me.

“I know it’s not soap. I just… if it’s scented… I can’t do scented. Flowers and stuff like that. Fruit-flavored soaps make… things… burnish.” She could tell from the peeks at his face Mr. Fitzwell had never stepped foot in bath and lotion store, wanting to try the array of fun fragrances. Nor had he purchased Peppermint Candy shower gel, foamed up his nether regions, and felt like he had dipped them in lava. Dove crossed and uncrossed her legs at the memory.

Mr. Fitzwell seemed concerned. “Okay, just a heads-up. It’s definitely not good to put any fruits or plant life near your genitals.” He made a V with his hands and formed his own pretend vagina in front of his pants.

Dove covered her eyes and tried to defend herself because now she could hear the sickly older woman beating her supporters with a purse.

Dove’s mumbling got louder with her embarrassment. “I don’t put weird things down… there. Just make sure that the cream’s vagina-scented. Just plain. For vaginas.” She kept her eyes on the counter. 

 

There are a lot of eyes in Debra Anastasia’s house in Maryland. First, her own creepy peepers are there, staring at her computer screen. She’s made two more sets of eyes with her body, and the kids they belong to are amazing. The poor husband is still looking at her after 17 years of marriage. At least he likes to laugh. Then the freaking dogs are looking at her—six eyeballs altogether, though the old dog is blind. And the cat watches her too, mostly while knocking stuff off the counter and doing that internal kitty laugh when Deb can’t catch the items fast enough.  

Debra has a smattering of books in a few genres. There are two in the Seraphim Series and three in the Poughkeepsie Brotherhood Series with a prequel, Poughkeepsie Begins in the near future. Fire Down Below is the first in the comedic Gynzaule Series. The second, Fire in the Hole, will be published in late 2015. The Revenger, a dark paranormal romance will debut this summer. And last, a novella called Late Night with Andres is special because 100% of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. (So go get it right now, please!) You can find her at DebraAnastasia.com and on Twitter @Debra_Anastasia. But be prepared...

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Author to AUTHOR Sneak Peek Sunday: Unscheduled Departure by T.M. Franklin

Today we get a sneak peek at T.M. Franklin's paranormal romantic adventure, Unscheduled Departure!

Rowan Elliott is devastated when her boyfriend, Finn, tells her he’s moving across the country to take over the family business, and thrilled when he changes his mind at the last minute and gets off the plane.

But then things get . . . weird. Finn’s acting strange, and Ro’s getting mysterious phone calls that have her questioning if her boyfriend’s really who she thinks he is. As Ro races to figure out what’s going on, she discovers it’s more complicated than she could have ever imagined.

And if she’s not careful, she could lose her Finn forever.

"You okay?"

I hummed something in response. "Where were you when you called?" I asked, half-dozing already.

"Hmm?"

I opened my eyes to look at him drowsily. "I got your voicemail, but I couldn't really hear what you were saying."

He scanned the road before turning the corner leading to my apartment building. "Voicemail?"

I sat up, the queasy feeling in my stomach easing back in. "You said you had bad service. Said you loved me and we'd make it through this."

"Through what?"

"You tell me." I was getting irritated. What the hell was going on?

"Ro, I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, pulling to an abrupt stop in the parking lot of my apartment building. "I never left a voicemail. Not today."

I fumbled in my bag for my phone. I was not imagining this. "You did. You called—" I thumbed through my calls and held it up victoriously so he could see. "—at 12:06 p.m. today. See?"

His eyes narrowed at the screen. "That says Private Number."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know. I was going to ask you about that."

"Why do you think that was me?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because you left a voicemail!" My voice grew louder, a little screechy, but I couldn't help it.

"Babe, I never left you a voicemail today!" Finn said, aggravation growing in his own tone. He pulled out his own phone and stabbed at it a few times. Finn's familiar ringtone sounded on my phone, his picture popping up on the screen, along with his name.

"See?" he said. "At 12:06 I was driving. I didn't call you. Whoever that Private Number was, it wasn't me." He tapped his phone and the ringtone stopped.

I stared at my phone and rubbed my forehead. My stomach roiled and an ache throbbed behind my eyes. "I don't understand. I heard—"

"Let me listen to the voicemail."

"It...got deleted." I met Finn's unreadable gaze and knew how it sounded. Weird. Crazy. But I had heard him. It was Finn.

Wasn't it?

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T.M. Franklin writes stories of adventure, romance, & a little magic. A former TV news producer, she decided making stuff up was more fun than reporting the facts. Her first published novel, MORE, was born during National Novel Writing month, a challenge to write a novel in thirty days. MORE was well-received, being selected as a finalist in the 2013 Kindle Book Review Best Indie Book Awards, as well as winning the Suspense/Thriller division of the Blogger Book Fair Reader's Choice Awards. She's since written three additional novels and several best-selling short stories...and there's always more on the way.

Connect with T.M. Franklin - Web site | Facebook | Twitter

#FREEBIE Announcement: Surrender by Angela Ford

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FREE DAYS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

FEBRUARY 27 & 28, 2015

MARCH 1, 2015

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SURRENDER...

Lauren Reynolds is widowed after an explosion in her husband’s warehouse. She believed he ran a legitimate business. The local police told her it was an accident. On the day of his funeral, there is a knock at her door to tell her different. 

Narcotics Agent Brett Donovan has been investigating John Reynolds for the past several months. A drug cartel operation has been tracked out of John’s warehouse. As if that information wasn’t enough to digest, Agent Donovan warns her there was a hit assigned for both Mr. & Mrs. Reynolds.

Brett is assigned to protect the suburban widow. She may be gorgeous but his first impression of her tells him she’s a rich spoiled snob and he has to put up with her. Brett is good at his job. The first attempt on her life fails but Brett knows it’s only the beginning. He takes her into hiding. There’s definite attraction but there’s also secrets that surface as they continue to escape danger.

He lives for danger. She lives for new shoes at Saks. One night in a motel room with no-air-conditioning and a sexy naked agent captures their desire for one another. Will the tangled mess they’re weaved into and their secrets lead them back into tangled sheets? Is desire enough when they are from two different worlds? Or are they?

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NEW RELEASE & GIVEAWAY: Fire Lust by R.E. Hargrave

Title: Fire Lust by R.E. Hargrave

Cover Design by: J.C. Clarke (c) Grafix Momma

Genre: Fantasy / Bi-Sexual Erotica / Short Story

Length: 86 pages (~13k words)

Price on Amazon: Kindle $0.99 , Paperback $5.50 , FREE with Kindle Unlimited

CONTENT WARNING:

***Contains explicit adult content meant for mature readers 18+,

including graphic sexual situations and recreational drug use.***

Summary

Heather Marsden and Cody Stevens have been an item since their first year of high school. With their future planned and their college graduation within reach, Cody gets devastating news from his doctor. Heather must now cope with the knowledge that she might lose the man who was supposed to be her forever. 

While trying to come up with a grand final birthday surprise for him, Heather ends up befriending the new girl in town. Suzanne Cross lives a hippie life full of color and extravagance, seemingly without a care in the world. In truth, she’s all alone and hides a secret. 

Heather’s new friend is something more than human, but how far will she be willing to go to save Cody? Just how much faith in “love” can she muster?

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EXCERPT

A few minutes into class, the door opened and a tall, dark-haired beauty rushed in, apologizing to the teacher with an innocent smile. The girl rushed across the room and slid into the seat right in front of Suzanne, who found herself staring and not caring one bit that she was. The purple aura around the newcomer was comforting . . . welcoming.

With a soft sigh, the girl dropped her bag before rummaging around in it for something. She finally found what she’d been after—a hairpiece—and as she straightened up and twisted the satiny lengths of her onyx hair into a messy bun, Suzanne was hit with a wave of sweet scent.

The smell reminded her of the beach—coconuts and limes. Surprisingly, she found herself leaning forward to try and sniff the girl who chose that moment to turn around, her pretty brown eyes widening at Suzanne’s proximity.

“Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to startle you,” she whispered and though her voice shook, she pressed on. “Hi, I’m Suzanne Cross. I just transferred here and well, I’m having a party on Friday to try to get to know some people . . .” The words rambled out while she pushed a flyer toward the girl, trying to cover her inappropriate sniffing. What the hell? Suzanne didn't do girls, but something about this girl was calling to her.

The girl didn't grunt. She didn't give Suzanne a noncommittal nod either. Instead, she took the flyer, looked it over, and then looked up at Suzanne with a brilliant smile.

She couldn't help thinking how very beautiful the girl was and her head was having a hard time wrapping around that.

“Nice to meet you, Suzanne,” she whispered back. Her breath was tinted with a minty scent. “I’m Heather. This sounds great, but I need to check my calendar. I might have something going on,” she said politely before turning back around to pay attention to the history professor.

Suzanne had to give the girl credit for at least being amiable. She was the first person to speak to her all day—even if it had been a tactful dismissal. It hadn't escaped Suzanne’s notice that most of the invitations she’d distributed throughout the day were left behind on seats, or even blatantly wadded up and tossed in the trash when people left the classrooms.

Class ended an hour later, and Suzanne was beyond ready to get home and light up. There was a shitload of homework to tackle, but it could wait a little bit until she’d mellowed. She was gathering her things when Suzanne felt a tap on her shoulder. Looking up, she was met with Heather’s sweet face.

“Hey, Suzanne, I just wanted to ask, if I can make it, is it okay if I bring my boyfriend? Friday’s his birthday and it would be awful of me to ditch him.” Heather let out a cute giggle, and she found herself smiling despite the absurdity of her reaction.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

R.E. Hargrave lives on the outskirts of Dallas, TX where she prides herself on being a domestic engineer. Married to her high school sweetheart, together they are raising three children. She is an avid reader, a sometimes quilter, and now, a writer. Other hobbies include gardening and a love of music. A native 'mutt,' Hargrave has lived in New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Alabama, Texas, and California. She is fond of setting her stories—which range from the sweet to the paranormal to the erotic—on location in South Carolina and Texas, but it’s anybody's guess as to what the genre will be!

Current titles on Amazon:

Anthologies

The Crazy Lady Authors Present: Treasured Moments 

Novellas

Sugar & Spice

Haunted Raine

Unchained Melody (ebook only)

The Food Critic

Fire Lust

Novels

To Serve is Divine (Bk 1 of The Divine Trilogy)

A Divine Life (Bk 2 of The Divine Trilogy)

Surreal (Bk 3 of The Divine Trilogy) — 2015 Golden Flogger Award Nominee

Coming Soon

Cooking with The Crazy Lady Authors

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NEW RELEASE, Interview, & GIVEAWAY: Pros & Cons by Sydney Logan

Cover by T.M. Franklin

Book Release: February 21, 2015

Genre: Contemporary Romance/Suspense

Publisher: Mountain Media

 

Con artists Jenna York and Ethan Summers always seem to cross paths during their travels around the world. With their partners in tow, the cunning criminals wreak havoc across the globe, stealing from the rich and giving to the richer. While Jenna tries to convince herself that she sees him as nothing more than a professional rival, Ethan finds it a little harder to fight his attraction to the beautiful thief. When tragedy strikes, Jenna and Ethan join forces, but are the stakes too high? Can they escape this last job with their lives—and their hearts—intact? 

Book Trailer by Jada D'Lee Designs

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~~INTERVIEW WITH SYDNEY LOGAN~~

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

You’ve succeeded at failing, which is pretty awesome if you think about it. Because at least you’ve done something, and you probably learned from the experience.

What's your bad quality?

I’m super organized in my professional life but completely disorganized in my personal life. You wouldn’t believe what my house looks like right now, but I spent the afternoon organizing the icons on my desktop because they were killing me. My priorities are a little out of whack, I think.

Which is the one television character that you simply adore?

Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad. This poor guy went from his happy little existence as a drug dealer on the streets to being a meth slave to a bunch of White Supremacists. He really was just a little boy lost who needed some direction in life. He almost found it with Jane  . . . *sigh*. I’m pretty obsessed with the show. I even loved most of the bad guys—except for the White Supremacists. They were pure evil.

What makes you angry? Are you short-tempered? How do you overcome your anger?

I have a lot of patience, but some things make me see red—like people who are mean for absolutely no reason at all. Closed-mindedness also drives me nuts. If I’m truly angry, I typically have to have a good cry to get over it.

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Night, absolutely. I wish I was one of those people who woke up all happy and perky, but I’m just not.

What kind of music do you like?

I’m really into Hozier right now. I’ve also been listening to the 'Californication' soundtrack quite a bit, as well as Lana Del Rey. My iPod playlist is a crazy place. It has a little bit of everything.

Amazon bestselling author Sydney Logan holds a Master's degree in Elementary Education. She is the author of three novels - Lessons Learned, Mountain Charm, and Soldier On. Sydney has also penned several short stories and is a contributor to Chicken Soup for the Soul.

A native of East Tennessee, Sydney enjoys playing piano and relaxing on her porch with her wonderful husband and their very spoiled cat.

Visit her website at www.sydneylogan.com. She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.